| There are a lot of words I could use to
describe Beatnik Turtle. There are a lot of band names I could throw out in
comparison, for those of you who haven't seen them live or heard What We've Got
or Santa Doesn't Like You (their newer album). If you're interested in the tired
phrases and comparisons of a worn-out rock reviewer, please see below where I have made a
list of interesting hyphenated adjectives for the discerning listener who likes to read
about what music sounds like.
So rather than dance about architecture here*, I thought I'd try a different approach.
We all like to take little magazine quizzes about our personalities, so instead of reading
my opinion of this record ("Don't take my word for it!" as LeVar Burton used to
say on Reading Rainbow), take this quiz to find out if you'd like Beatnik Turtle, and if,
perhaps, you should think about attending one of their performances.
Answer yes or no to the following questions:
1. I used to own the John Belushi "College" Animal
House poster until my live-in girlfriend made me throw it out.
2. I am aware that the prequel to Dumb and Dumber will
soon be hitting theaters.
3. I have seen Ben Folds Five in concert (of my own will).
4. I have been to John Barleycorn's on a Saturday night (of my own
will).
5. I take music very seriously, and can't stand cheekiness in any
form.
6. One of your ex-girlfriends is a lesbian.
Scoring:
1. YES: 1 pt. (Add 1 point if your live-in girlfriend is actually
your fiancée, 2 pts. if she's your wife, and 3 pts. if you didn't throw the poster out,
but instead hid it somewhere in the garage or in your office "just in
case.") NO: 0 pts.
2. YES: 1 pt. (Add 1 point if you plan on seeing the film, 3 pts.
if you've spent any Internet time researching the "plot.") NO: 0 pts.
3. YES: 1 pt. (Add 1 point if you've seen them more than once, and
a whopping 4 pts. if you sang along really loud with the lyric, "And don't forget to
give me back my black tee-shirt!") NO: 0 pts.
4. YES: 2 pts. (Add another point if you went with a group of
friends from work, add 2 pts. if you paid for parking, and add 3 pts. if you met your
significant other at said establishment.) NO: 0 pts.
5. YES: 0 pts. (Add one point if you own a Barenaked Ladies album,
though.) NO: 2 pts. (Add 2 pts. if you like Moxy Fruvous, too.)
6. YES: 2 pts. (Add 2 points if you and your buddies think
that's cool.) NO: 1 pt. (Hey, you gotta get some credit for that one!)
Results:
0-6 points: You probably actually know who John Cage is, huh? And you wouldn't be
caught dead traveling down Clark Street south of Addison on a Saturday night unless you
were heading toward the L&L tavern. And you don't like blonde girls with tight
black bar pants who wear gold jewelry and have "hidden" tattoos, right?
Then steer clear of Beatnik Turtle, because the band (and their followers) will only
prompt you to utter unoriginal sarcastic phrases.
7-14 points: If your group of "office" friends, or your old friends from college
invite you out to see this group you shouldn't pass it up. Grab a Bass Ale and a
"down to earth" chick and you won't have too bad a time. If the band's
tongue-in-cheek brand of frat boy humor gets to you, play some darts and drink more and
you'll get the knack.
15-23 points: You're already hanging out in Wrigleyville on the weekends, so next time
you're planning an outing with your fiancée, your best bud from college and his fiancée,
check for Beatnik
Turtle shows and don't forget, you read about it on Chicagogigs.com!
24-35 points: Only Beatnik Turtle's 6 members and their biggest fans should fall into this
category (after all, this quiz was produced in a fool-proof, stainless steel laboratory so
casual fans couldn't slip through the cracks). I hope you're okay with this odd review,
and check out the catch-phrases below in case you want to use one in a blurb about your
band.
BANDS
Barenaked Ladies
Ben Fold Five
Moxy Fruvous
Dishwalla
They Might Be Giants
Weezer
CATCH-PHRASES and Press Quotes:
"Beatnik Turtle combine humorous, sometimes dirty, self-deprecating lyrics with
upbeat folksy pop to create a whimsical, downright riotous goodtime for all
partygoers!"
"Their tongue-in-cheek brand of alt-pop has been done before, and it'll be done
again, but still Beatnik Turtle brings something original to the floor - perhaps it's the
occasional accordion."
"If these guys aren't from Canada, I bet
they've at least been there for a weekend!"
* The quote goes something like, "Writing about music is like dancing about
architecture, it's a really stupid thing to want to do." It's been attributed to
everyone from Robyn Hitchcock and Elvis Costello to Randy Newman. I'm sure they've all
said it at one time or another. The point remains that there are better things to do with
one's time than to describe, in writing, or read about sound.
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